Oh Motherhood

So guess who has the black lung again... yep Crew.  It seriously is a joke how much he has been sick in the last three months.  I don't know if all moms feel this way-but when my kids are sick, I feel like I am going to lose.... my..... mind.  I get so worried about getting them better that I stress and stress. When Crew has his yucky cough, you absolutely can't let him cry.  Otherwise he has a coughing fit for 30-40 minutes, which means no eating, no sleeping, no resting until you can get him calmed down.  This means that I can't put him down-like all day.  It is backbreaking, soul stretching, exhausting work.    Crew woke up at 6 (if you call being up all night actually sleeping), twety minute nap all day, and irritable in my arms for all of the rest of it.  I seriously cried just at the thought of making dinner.  It was finally bed time, I was thrilled!  But then right as I was laying him in bed, he had a fit, which lasted 20 minutes, which turned into him not wanting to go back down, which turned into me bobbling him for two and a half hours at the end of the longest day. 
I was fried...
But then I look down at him, snoozing in my arms, and my heart just pounds with how much I love him.  Even his snotty yucky nose, and his tired puffy eyes look perfect to me.  How is it possible to love something that takes every piece of your individuality away? I keep thinking, one day I am going to be able to wash my hair and do my make up all in the same day.  One day I am going to exercise... and not just the squats I do while holding him... One day I am going to wear earrings and be able to go out to lunch without rushing the milk supply home.  One day I am going to find new recipes, and actually cook them. One day I am going to stop eating peanut butter by the spoonful for quick energy. . .  But for now his flapping little hands and snaggle tooth smile are more than enough to remind me that motherhood is a gift.  With all of it's ups and downs, it is a blessing.  And even though it stretches me further than I think I can handle, it's also shown me happiness that I didn't know was possible.  There is so much joy in life and I am grateful to be a mother.  I must also say, that I am so grateful for Chris.  I don't know how he has so much patience with me.  I really do get psycho when I don't sleep, and he just understands.  He lets me snap and complain and then somehow makes me feel all better.  It's hard because Crew is such a mamma's boy.  He won't let Chris hold him at all when he is sick, so Chris has to be creative.  He makes me specialty sandwiches and chases butterflies with Taya.  He really is the most patient man I've ever met.  I keep trying to enjoy now and not wish away this time.   I really do know that this is the time that we will cherish for eternity.