Our little family has changed and grown a lot since my last entry, but rather than trying to play catch up, I am going to jump in.
Today we celebrated the life of our Papa Charlie. He and Hotts spent 6 years together. She cared for him in his final days, and she was by his side when he took his last breath. Our family is grieving. He was 94 years old when he died. He was ready. He was tired. He didn't even want to eat cookies (which were his absolute favorite) anymore. It has been really difficult to process his death. I knew that it was only a matter of time for a while.... I mean he's 94! But I didn't anticipate how challenging it would be to explain death to my children.
During the last couple weeks of his life, Charlie was pretty weak. He required complete care and became more dependent at a very rapid pace. One day after I got Milo and Taya off to school, I took Crew to Hotts and Charlie's house. My mom and grandma were exhausted and I went to provide emotional support and maybe a little bit of a physical break. Well Crew had different plans. He was so wild! I kept trying to get him under control, but it wasn't happening. Finally we had to leave because he was being too rowdy around Charlie. I took him across the street to my mom's house. I figured he needed some lunch and transformer play time before we hit the road. I made him a giant bowl of mac-n-cheese. He comes and sits at the table and stirs his food. Then he looks and me and asks, "Is Charlie going to die soon"? Before I even had time to answer, he was bawling. Like huge gumball teardrops into his mac-n-cheese. It was heartbreaking. I held him and tried to explain how papa's body is old and that when we see him again, he will be a young man, and that he will play baseball with us and won't be in any pain. This was a lot for his 4 year old heart to digest-It was a lot for my 31 year old heart to digest! We sat for a long time and cried together. Crew has this tough, naughty, invincible exterior, but deep down has the softest heart. He told me that it was so hard because he "didn't know how to be sad". I felt that same way. Then between tearfilled gasps said, "If Charlie dies, then Hotts will be all alone in her family. No one wants to be alone". It was the hard truth that had been pulling at me too. Of course Hotts wouldn't be alone, she has us.... but it's different. Even thought the gospel is so sweet, and I have a complete testimony of the plan of salvation, death is downright difficult.
Taya and Milo also had a sad time dealing with things. Poor Taya's class pet happened to die on the same day. She just couldn't hold it together. Murielle's mom also died unexpectedly in the same week. Although we weren't incredibly close with her, it has also impacted our family. Sweet Murielle is an only child and we've tried to step up and support them, but how do you fill the shoes of a mother? Watching my brother try to help her, and cope has been so humbling. He, just like Crew, is really good at putting on a tough exterior, but when you see him crack it is heart bending.
Milo has shown less emotion, but I almost wish he would have a breakdown so we can talk about it. He seems bottled up, and I hate that for him too:( All around it's been a pretty heavy fall around here. It has come in waves of extreme gratitude for the loving family that we have, and lows of watching our great grandfather slip away. I hope that soon we will all find the peace that we need to accept his death. I told the kids tonight that Papa Charlie would want us to hear his name and think happy wonderful thoughts. He wouldn't want us to be sad and dwell in our grief. I know that is true. Sometimes is a lot harder to live something than to believe something.
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