Anxiety

After we had Milo, we thought that maybe we were done having babies.  It just seemed like such a big risk to have another baby.  I clung to Milo thinking that he might be my first, last, and only.  I tried to savor every toothless baby smile, every new trick, even every miserable feeding.  Milo was my complete obsession.  And then when I found out I was pregnant with Tay, my obsession grew.   When her pregnancy and delivery went so well, our statistics for a third improved 1000%.  Death rate for mother and baby went from 9% to .09%.  I always say she was my gateway baby.  When she was 1 day old, Chris told me that he wanted to have another.  With Taya I was so relaxed, she was such an easy baby, and I finally felt that "natural motherly feeling".  I wasn't constantly over thinking every little thing.  I became obsessed with Milo and Tay as a package deal-but obsessed in a good way. 
Now with Crew, I think he'll be our last, and suddenly my freaky overprotectiveness is kicking back in.  I'm just dying today because he's double digits--10 days old!  I love having a newborn.  Yes. I am tired. But I love the way Crew tucks his legs in and cuddles up on my chest. I love the wrinkles on the bottom of his feet.   It's like he was swimming for nine months:) And oh how crazy I am about his brown furry head.  And when he's awake and just checking out the world, I feel like his eyes say a million things. 
I know that a lot of mom's enjoy working. . . and sometimes I think something part time might be nice outlet. . . and then I go out for an evening, and I don't know how I could ever be away for more than a couple of hours.   Yes it's hard to leave my kids because I worry that it will be overwhelming for Chris after a long day of work, or that one of the kids will have a hard time while I'm away, but more than that it's hard for me to leave them because I just miss them when we're not together.   I went to the grocery store and when I went to smell a pineapple, I got a giant whiff of Crew's sweet shampoo that must have been left on my hands.  I wanted to throw my list away and go and hold my baby.   Or I'll call to check on things and I can hear Taya singing like Ariel in the background, and all I want to do is pinch her cute fat cheeks and give her a big hug.  My life is my family.  I feel so blessed to have them, and wish that I could freeze time so that it could be like this forever.  I am constantly saying to Chris, "This is my favorite stage".  It just keeps getting better and better.  I really am trying to cling to every moment.  To remember all of the little things, because I know that it's all of those little things that I'll look back and miss so much when my children are grown.