January 9, 2013

Oh, what a day we have had today.
You have been sick, so so sick. Again!
I know that it is serious when you don't even want to play excavators with daddy.
I took you to the doctor for what feels like the millionth time in the last three months. 
I heard my hearts greatest fears, fears that I have been thinking over and over for the last three months, but thought if I kept them silent they would disappear.
The Dr. said that somthing just doesn't add up. 
Four days.  They are giving you four days to get over your fever and be 100% healthy or they are going to start searching.
They want to test you for Leukemia and other immune deficiencies.  I know it's just a test and that nothing is for sure... But wow mom has never been so scared of anything.  My mind races ahead to what our life would be like if it comes back positive.  I try to stop it, but it pushes on and I think, what if we lost you. You are the sweetest little boy, and my heart breaks at the thought. 
Calm down I tell myself.  It's only a test.  Then I think of your smile.  The way that you say, "snickywoodle" (snickerdoodle). Your tractor dance.  You are my heart and soul little guy.
I want you to know I am trying.  I am trying so hard to get you healthy.  You cry when I try to get you to eat, and I hate doing it, but I have got to try.  I even made your favorite muffins. 
We are all praying sweetheart.  Praying that we don't need a miracle and that we have just had really bad luck.  That this is just the worst cold and flu season ever and that nothing is really wrong.  I'm clinging to that right now.  With all of my heart I'm clinging.